On my first day in office, I’ll sign an executive order requiring all federally funded dining facilities — military chow halls, Veterans Administration hospital cafeterias, schools with federally subsidized meal programs, cafeterias at hospitals which accept Medicare, etc. — to offer the following foods on a regular basis:
- Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken;
- Milwaukee-style Gai Pu Khao, aka “Volcano Chicken;”
- The four major regional styles of pizza: New York (traditional triangular slice), New York (“Sicilian” square slice variant), Chicago Deep Dish, and St. Louis;
- Memphis-style barbecue, and possibly some of the inferior styles which Americans, for reasons beyond comprehending, settle for in lieu of the real thing; and
- Other regional food favorites which I’ll add as the campaign proceeds (yes, you may lobby me — but be prepared to ship samples for evaluation!).
My campaign is about bringing Americans together … and if we can’t march shoulder to shoulder for an abundance of decent gustatory options, available to all, what can we rally around?